Friday 2nd October 2015
Blooming heck – day two of Stoptober and can everyone just stop with the stopping please? It’s not that I don’t care about your health or that I’m not proud of your efforts to kick the fags, but please can you take your cold-turkey fuelled rages out on someone else?
Yesterday was fine – we were cheering the office participants on with their crusade as if they were Olympic athletes striding off to claim a gold medal. This time yesterday they were all brimming with optimism and pride about their new healthier lifestyles, smugly sharing recipes for their newly purchased NutriBullets and competing over who had done the most vigorous work out at lunch.
Fast forward 24 hours however and I’ve just witnessed Chris rage-racing an old lady down the pavement, while Ben snatches at the rich tea packet, desperate to grab the last biscuit ahead of our sweet Accounts Assistant (who is pregnant with twins!)
You see I’m getting a double hit of nicotine withdrawal symptoms as both Ben and Chris attempt to kick the habit together. It seems that as their PA I am a useful punch bag for their stress release. Ben prefers a silent strop: he becomes a completely uncommunicative brooder, steaming privately to himself because his tea has gone cold, or because the printer needs more paper. Chris is a shouter: he adopts a clipped abrupt tone with any instruction he’s giving me, and I just took a very public dressing down for not having picked up his dry cleaning yet (when I still have 5 hours before he even needs any of it!).
Pricilla has been fantastic today, she’s given me some brilliant advice: to take deep breaths and remember it is the lack of ciggies that they’re cross at, not me. Water off a ducks back and all that, keep doing what you’re doing. I’m just praying things get better over the weekend, I don’t think I can take a whole month of this!
16th October 2015
That HIDEOUS moment when you massively overshare with your work colleagues! Not sure if it’s my hangover but I’m getting a massive nauseous wave just thinking about it – oh god TAKE ME BACK IN TIIIIME!
So last night we were having office drinks in Browns, just around the corner. It was getting towards last orders and there was a definite case of too much prosecco and too few chicken goujons – I remember struggling to get myself back up the stairs after visiting the loo.
The numbers had dwindled and left on our table were:
Ben and Sam, who I work for, squabbling about which one of them could win more freebies from the pretty barmaid (neither of them got so much as a peanut!)
Pricilla, defying all the odds by merrily quaffing away at such a late hour.
Flora, one of the other PAs (essentially my Fran at work).
Flora was asking me on the down low whether I had slept with Charlie yet, and obviously I was desperately trying to shhhhhh her up! I’ve worked hard to keep this little secret schtum and I’m not letting Flora mess it up for me now. But it was too late, Ben and Sam’s little ears had pricked right up:
‘What’s that Flora? Some gossip on Lucy’s love life??’
‘OoooooOOOOOoooo’ (Ben doing a very convincing impression of a 9 year girl) ‘Come on girls, let’s hear it!’
Then Flora chipped in – to be fair I think she was trying to help, but I don’t know why she ever thought that this would??
‘We were just discussing our numbers!’ she shouts.
‘You know, how many notches on the bed post, how many people you’ve slept with!’
Of course their interest was now peeked, they were all ears and ever afraid of an awkward silence I waded straight in with my number:
‘36’ I beamed, pretty proud of myself.
Everyone’s eyes were out on stalks, Priscilla looked absolutely appalled and said it was time for her to be leaving, while the others rolled around in fits of laughter. With Pricilla heading for the exit I made the rest of them all share their numbers – they were barely in the double figures! I’m too embarrassed, when will I learn what is safe to share at work and what is most definitely not??
Friday 30th October 2015 – Competition time! Best ‘overheard in the office’ stories
Happy Friday everyone and it’s time for a COMPETITION!
Following my oversharing nightmare of last week I’ve been making myself feel a little better by thinking about all the naughty over-personal snippets I’ve picked up in my ten months at this firm…. You see everyone lets out a little overshare around the office from time to time, it’s all about being at the right place at the right time. You know the sort of thing – the nuggets you collect by the water cooler when no one thinks you’re listening:
The Finance Director on the phone to his latest squeeze: ‘no darling I absolutely did not call you ‘Mummy’ – you know ‘Milly’ and ‘Mummy’ are such similar sounding words and in the heat of the moment – I think you misheard darling - …’
Priscilla upon realising she’d missed a call from her husband: ‘Oh! I need to turn my vibrator up!’ – Really hope she means the vibrating function on her phone…?
Anyway we all love a Friday giggle so send your entries to the RMS girls and you could win the £25 John Lewis Voucher this week! What’s the best ‘overheard in the office’ story you have? Email entries to firstname.lastname@example.org
Friday 30th October - Halloween
HALLOWEEN – that infamous time of the year where it is apparently socially acceptable to dress up as a hussy and claim it’s in keeping with the theme.
I have never understood it and quite frankly I have never done it – what happened to the days where you were actually meant to dress up ‘scary’?! Every year I feel like I have nailed this to the ground –vampire, corpse bride, ghost, zombie - you name it, but every time is another party where I look like a total moron and all my friends are looking sexy and beautiful, while I look like I have just stepped out of the Thriller music video.. And I figured this must be why I never get any snogs at Halloween.
So with the echoes of mocking laughter and pity filled looks running through my mind.. I have decided that this is going to be my year! I also found out through the grapevine that Charlie is going to the same party and so I desperately need to look as sexy as possible to stand a chance against my other friends in their hot pants and devil horns. I have been thinking about my outfit for weeks now, not to mention starving myself in the hope of fitting into this amazing lace cat suit from Ann Summers that leaves nothing to the imagination, and I can’t wait to hopefully steal the show and Charlie tonight!
The girls in the office have all been sharing their Halloween plans for this weekend and by the sounds of it we should have some great stories come Monday. But I have been toying with the idea of telling them what and how little I’m wearing just in case it effects my reputation. Also, they all sound as though they are sticking to the ‘scary’ rather than ‘sexy’ theme, so part of me thinks it wouldn’t go down too well! I think I will keep it to myself and tell them I’m going as a skeleton… Especially after last week when I drunkenly revealed my numbers at Browns.. This would really be the icing on the hussy cake.
So let’s hope that I get Halloween right for once and don’t leave a sorry Bridget Jones with no snogs, a beetroot face and a couple of mars bars. Wish me luck!! x